


Déjà Vu

by tolstayas



Series: Augenblicke: Druck Missing Scenes [2]
Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: (the same stuff mia tells axel about in the truth or dare clip in s2), Canon Bisexual Character, F/F, Love Confessions, Pansexual Character, confessions that come a bit too late but it's all okay because love takes many shapes, warning for brief discussion of uhh bad relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:54:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24846385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tolstayas/pseuds/tolstayas
Summary: Kiki and Mia are making soup together, and talking about love. Someone is going to make a confession. Everything is different and yet, from the look of it, everything is the same.(Kiki-centric, set between S3E9 and S3E10. Follows on from the events ofHuriyah, but can be read separately.)
Relationships: Kiki Machwitz/Mia Amalie Winter
Series: Augenblicke: Druck Missing Scenes [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1797349
Comments: 3
Kudos: 6





	Déjà Vu

“Do you think it needs more lemon?”

Kiki and Mia are standing side by side in Alex’s kitchen, Mia chopping vegetables, Kiki lifting the lid off a pot of soup and stirring it with a wooden spoon. Mia leans over.

“Smells amazing. Have you tasted it?”

Kiki scoops up a spoonful, brings it to her lips. “Mmm. You try.”

Mia tastes, smiles. “Perfect.”

As they lay out the food on the table and sit down facing each other, Kiki tries, and fails, to ignore a persistent feeling of déjà vu. Everything is different now, she tells herself. Still, to look at it, everything is the same. We try to rewrite our history but we forget that to rewrite is to repeat. We try to start again and only then do we realize that starting again means going back to the beginning.

There is a brief, awkward silence. Mia breaks it.

“So… how are things with Carlos?”

Kiki smiles. “Really good, actually.” She serves herself soup. “Did I tell you I came out to him just the other day?”

“As pan?”

“Yeah, he reacted so well! I didn’t really expect him to get mad or anything, but I was worried he might think he wasn’t enough for me, or whatever. But he was actually so supportive.”

“That’s great,” smiles Mia, and the warmth in her voice is genuine. She had always worried about Kiki, worried that she had fallen for too many lies, bought into too many myths about her own womanhood. But she shouldn’t have worried. And Mia knew now that it wouldn’t have been a bad idea to have spent a bit more time questioning her own assumptions, too, extricating subtle, insidious prejudice from her own worldview. Well, at least she had grown since then. Both of them had.

“You’re out to Alex, right?”

Mia nods. “I mean, you know what happened at the Heldenparty… And then later when we were together we talked about it a couple of times. He knew I’d been with a girl when I was in Spain. He was kind of weird about it sometimes, but… you know how he is. He can be serious about it when I need him to.”

Kiki nodded, then tilted her head to the side, curious. “How long have you known?”

“You mean, that I like girls?”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t know, really… I first started thinking about it ages ago, when I was… maybe twelve or thirteen. But it made me feel weird, kind of dirty, somehow. So I ignored it. I was really obsessed with guys back then, especially older guys… And thinking about it now I think it was kind of a part of the denial, like, drowning out all my thoughts by thinking about guys all the time.”

Kiki smiles knowingly. “You weren’t the only one.”

Mia laughs. “I guess not.”

“Then what happened?”

“I had this awful boyfriend… I was thirteen, he was eighteen. It really fucked me up. I didn’t want anything to do with anyone anymore, I hated him, I hated myself. For a long time I thought I would never be with anyone else ever again. And then, when I was fifteen, I got this massive crush on a girl at school - short hair, leather jacket, combat boots, the whole thing. I was totally overwhelmed. It was all really sudden. We were together for a while, and at first it was like… a revelation. It was amazing. I’d never been so in love in my life. In the end it didn’t work out, but it was the first real relationship I’d had, the first one where I was... treated like a person, you know? And it didn’t end horribly or anything. We’re not really good friends, but we still text sometimes.”

Kiki nods.

“How about you? When did you know?”

“Oh…” Kiki blushes a little, brings her hands to her face. “I actually - I never really…” She giggles awkwardly. “I only really realized the summer after eleventh grade. With, uh, with Sam. It was really stupid, we were just hanging out and bored and suddenly we were making out, and…” She pauses, they both laugh a little. “I don’t know, like, until then we had never really… said anything about it? It just felt right. And I actually hadn’t realized until then. I know it sounds so stupid.”

Mia shakes her head. “It’s not stupid. All this is so complicated. Your experience isn’t better or worse than anyone else’s. Hell, I still don’t really know what I want, or… who I am… Or anything really.”

“That’s okay. You don’t have to decide.” Kiki’s tone is comforting, resolute.

“Yeah. I know.” Mia smiles, then looks troubled again. “Why didn’t you tell me earlier? Not that it’s a problem - I know that kind of thing takes time - but if you already knew that I… you know…”

Kiki nods. “I guess there was just... never really a good moment. I wanted to tell you when we could really talk about it, like, properly… But there was all this shit happening, and I just never found the right time to say it. And then it was kind of too late, you know, I was with Carlos, and you were with Alex, and it felt weird somehow, I don’t know. I tried a few times, at first, but I never had the nerve to go through with it, somehow I felt like… like it would change something. And I wanted things to stay the same. Actually, weirdly enough, that one time… you know the time we cooked together, and you told me about you and Alex?”

Somehow, the mention of it relieves the tension in the room a little. At least now they don’t need to pretend they aren’t thinking about it.

Mia sighs, nods. “I’m so sorry, Kiki. You... you deserved so much better. I was kind of in the thick of it. I guess we both were. But what I did to you… That’s no excuse. I’ll never be sorry enough for making you go through all that. I hope one day I’ll make it up to you.”

“You’ve already made it up to me. A hundred times.” Kiki shakes her head, gives Mia a soft smile. “Anyway, I wanted to talk about something else. Do you… do you remember what I said before? You know, before you started talking about Alex?”

“Uh…” Mia frowns, feeling a twinge of guilt. “No, not really.”

Unexpectedly Kiki laughs. “You always told us not to talk about guys all the time. Whose fault is it we wouldn’t pass the Bechdel test?”

Mia’s eyes light up. “You know, I learned something about the Bechdel test the other day! It’s named after this lesbian artist, who wrote about using it with her lesbian friends to find movies they could relate to.”

“Well, even better! Look at us, neither of us are straight, and still all we ever talk about is men…” This time they both laugh.

Mia shakes her head. “Anyway, sorry to interrupt. You were saying, before I started talking about Alex…”

“Right.” Kiki smiles. “What I was saying, before _someone_ made it all about men, is that I was happy we were spending more time together, but that... maybe I should be worried, because maybe it was actually a date and you were trying to pick me up. And you didn't say anything, so I was worried I'd said something wrong, and backtracked. But I really wanted to get you to talk about it. So I asked if you were bi. Because that was the only way I could think of to start the conversation. But then you didn’t talk about that. And…”

Kiki pauses, looks Mia in the eye. Her tone isn’t as lighthearted anymore. She doesn’t want to drag down the mood of the evening, but... better that, than to leave something like this hanging over their heads forever, she figures. No secrets.

“I think part of the reason it hurt so much - besides all the other obvious reasons it hurt - is that I was really hoping what I was saying would turn out to be true. I remember noticing how romantic the lighting was. I wanted to come out to you, I wanted to be able to talk about it, but…” She pauses, sighs. “I wanted more than that, too. I was so ready for you to tell me you were secretly in love with me. It broke my heart that you weren’t, on top of everything else. If you had leaned over the table and made out with me then and there, I would have gone along with it.”

She looks down, absentmindedly tracing the rim of her bowl with the end of her spoon, blushing a little, hardly believing she’s actually said it. But when she looks up, Mia is smiling.

They both burst out laughing.

“What if I kissed you now? What would you do?” Mia’s tone is teasing, lighthearted.

“We both have boyfriends. That’s, like, double cheating.”

Mia shrugs, still laughing. “Alex would probably think it was hot.”

Kiki snorts. “You talk about your boyfriend like that?”

“He _literally_ fell in love with me because I bullied him.”

“Good point.”

“You didn’t answer my question, though.”

“Mia!” Kiki rolls her eyes. “I’m not still secretly in love with you, if that’s what you’re asking.”

Mia raises one dubious eyebrow. They both start laughing again.

“Not even a little bit?”

“Okay, I’ll put it like this. If I absolutely _had_ to cheat on Carlos with someone, like, if someone held me at gunpoint and told me to make out with someone else, you would be my first choice.”

“Wow, thanks.”

“Mia, please...”

“You were the one who brought it up!”

“You’re the worst.”

“Actually, I think you _just_ implied that I’m the second best.”

“Shut up,” Kiki groans, between laughter and exasperation, and it means _I love you_.

“You shut up,” Mia smiles back, and it means _I love you too_.

Neither of them will later be able to remember who stood up first, who reached out and who fell into whose arms, who giggled into whose shoulder. They will only know that they held each other that way for a long, long time. In a way, they never let go.


End file.
